Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
