My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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