So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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