i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
