Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
