Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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