I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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