the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He felt like a one man threesome
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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