Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
