I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
it's like heaven, but drunker
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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