When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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