I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
