and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
