i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
