I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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