Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
