i think my tv is drunk
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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