Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
