please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
