saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
