Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize