there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
