I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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