Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
