Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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