if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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