3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
