There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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