If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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