I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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