honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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