I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
