Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
