This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
