the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize