I wish I could teleport
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
