I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
