does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
