Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
being pregnant is like rehab
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
