i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I think my moral compass just broke
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