Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Randomize
