the condom got lost in my hair
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
