I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
