Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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