ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
