I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You took a bar mat shot.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
