Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize