I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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