Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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