I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
