I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
