My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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