I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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