1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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