I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
