Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
