respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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