Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
