My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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