You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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