I can text with my tongue
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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