his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
