I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
