can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
