Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
