do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
