The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize