apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
