I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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